Lost in a Spiral

play this as you start reading...try to feel it

Is this a place to talk about your thoughts? Is this a place to be like this? Is this a place to be the way I am? The way I am. The way I am

the way I am...

will this chaos ever stop? will I ever seek the shore? or will I keep floating on a boat with no direction in this dreaded ocean called Life?

I always thought if I'd do this, I would feel that. So, I did do that. I felt a certain way too. Except, that feeling was short-lived probably a few breaths. And, to all oath-taking god-minding honesty, I wish I could extend that and stay in that feeling forever. I have been so lost, so lost it's hard to define now what being lost even means now. Even forgot what was I even going towards. 

For now, I just want to get back to that feeling. That feeling where everything seems like a kaleidoscopic unfolding inter-linked beautiful mystery where the next moment links to the current one and unfolds in a way that whatever is happening has no purpose but meaning. And in all of that meaning, you feel safe and one with this vast cosmos. The mind, the body, and the spirit combine and you lose the self-

lose the self to find the self in all,

significant is not the individual but the collective;

nothing is microscopic or macroscopic,

everything is equal of equal importance

you think, you feel, 

you do, you be

before everything else take a few moments,

to see, to hear, to smile, to cry; 

receive to release,

release to receive;

it's not linear but a loop,

an expanding spiral 

Even when I say I am writing this as an experience. It's not me since every experience I go through I become that. All the external I see becomes a part of me. Running under the shades of beautiful trees, gushing through the ocean shore, swirling in the air, kissing on the lips, crying through the gut, laughing from the heart, every little thing as small as patting myself on the back and saying you did your best. I am here with you now. It's all going to be alright. You try really hard and I love you for that.

Doing all of this, what I was told, taught. I was held, let gone, disciplined, directed, let gone, loved, hated, laughed upon, cried upon. Ran from, ran toward. 

What do you do when you reach your destination?

Do you still live in the wonder and awe of it yet to arrive? 

What if the journey to that throws you off on paths you never imagined you'd take ever. And reach such corners of the world outside and inside your mind, you never thought existed. What does one do then? When there are no answers to any one of them because the questions have lost their meaning and yearnings. 

The world that once existed has changed while you were innocently seeking answers to the earlier ones. 

Do you leave your desires on the shores only for the ocean to take with, and never to be found again? 

What if on the path to it all to have that desire you start losing the self? Do you let it go then?

If the Universe is ever-changing, then the self you always thought does not exist now. It is long gone with the events of the past. What is that reality that the past self yearns for and exists in some other version of this present reality? Why do you want that reality? 

If you take the actions you think would have resulted in that version, what is the assurance you would've made it? and what is it that you would've made not?

What would happen if you don't get what you wanted?

Would you cease to exist? Or still, be there alive and breathing?

I am alive and breathing, yet mighty Himalaya-sized tired. So much so it seems easier to let go of that want. I don't want it anymore. Battling through the constant need to fight for it or let it go. Don't know where will this lead to? However, I will tell you one simple honest thing about us. It feels good to share and let go just as it does to contain it. You have to find your own balance of it all. And, if you don't know just ask yourself your body, mind, and spirit. 

Something I realized after sharing all of that. You could only feel lost if once before you weren't. I think life is a constant cycle of getting found and lost where losing the self is the only way to find yourself again.

Also, if this has led you to think about certain things feel free to stick around here for a few moments while this beautiful music plays and wonder about it all. . . . . .  .  .   .   .   .    .     . ∞