Disconnection

please play the music for a better experience. Take a slow deep breath and go ahead.

I wrote this piece in June of this year. It was a different time back then for me. 

If I were to tell you a thing maybe you were to believe me or not. I don't know. And it's time I accepted it's beyond my powers to know what is happening outside me. Here the acceptance comes as a bouquet of wet flowers, bringing peace to me knowing those flowers were plucked and may have been killed and we are celebrating their death and wrapping them around together in plastics, water and fake scents. 

Perhaps this is what it has come down to now. And the vast acceptance of the majority does not make the wrong things right. It's all a disconnection. And I don't understand how we as humans have accepted the major things in society as mere rule to follow just because it is followed by the masses. I can't speak for people beyond me because I know now that nothing beyond me, my body, my mind, and my spirit I know of the world. It's all a mystery, and I guess it is supposed to be that way. Acceptance is peace. It calms me down knowing I am not supposed to know everything. So, are the other people. But, everybody just runs around pretending that they know. Now, this is what bugs me. Then again I have been working on to be not bugged by them. Since it's their mind and their thoughts, emotions, feelings, and perspective. 

Lately, while I am chopping my vegetables for that healthy meal; I ponder about human nature and its intricacies. I study myself and in all Universe's(God's) honesty I surprise myself often more times than I think. I chop the same tomato in two different styles. And, then I forgive myself for being too hard. Because one thing is for sure not going anywhere in the coming time of my life is that 'I am here for myself'. I learned this the hard way. It was really hard. The Sun shines harsh to medium-rare these days. June is going fast, faster than I think. I have been working on myself. Not too hard though but just enough. I had these thoughts I have been meaning to tell the world but couldn't focus to take out the time. Time is abundant, and so is my distraction. 

Why do I live a life like this? Why we as a society have created a system to live the way we are existing? What is the glory that others know that I don't? This system of creation is not done by some supernatural force. It's us. And, we collectively form a living body. Existing together in cities like an organism. This living life on weekends, to postpone all the things we enjoy on to the two days of the week. Sometimes it's barely one. This pace and rush we all are heading towards, where is it leading to? To a life of dream, they say. And, what are the dreams? An imaginary pop-culture-influenced, early life-influenced dreams. To have some meaning, to fill the empty voids. Books, cartoons, movies, and tv shows inspired life. Whereas sometimes the best movies and stories are inspired by real-life events which tend to get neglected. I don't know what to make of it now. Neither did I know when I was a kid. But, when I was little I did not think that I would be standing at a point like this ever. I think nobody has any idea what to make of this existence. To be able to calculate a meaning behind all this scrutiny of this drama called 'Life'.  Neither the kids nor the adults know anything about it. Neither the scientists nor the spiritual leaders. Neither the religion nor the beliefs.

Lately, I have been feeling a disconnection inside me. Juggling from one ideology to another with no aim in mind. It's not as if the societal world knows anything, compared to self-exploration which is rather gratifying. In the end, it's still not about the objects as such but the feeling it gives. How I feel about getting something, and the feeling after it's gone. Or the time when I tried so hard but couldn't get it. That detachment hurts like no other thing I have ever experienced before. The detachment from people, things, and relationships. I thought it was these things. Rather what hurts is the detachment from the idea, the preconceived idea of a task where the outcome did not meet my expectation. Since experiencing that I have developed a fear now of trying those things again and that not doing things often leads to regret. It's a vicious circle. I am glad I was there for myself and have found ways now to break that endless circle. 

Remember, it's about the feeling in the end. It's all about the feeling. Remember to feel good always. If I can feel good about it at least I would have peace within myself. And that outside world? I wasn't sure about it since the first.